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Apparently, Hobbit remains were found in Jakarta last year. I somehow hadn’t heard about that, but the Discovery channel has a show about it:

Mystery of the Human Hobbit

It was the most striking scientific discovery of last year. An entirely new species of mini-human found on an island in Indonesia. Is the hobbit a new species that transforms our view of evolution, or is it simply a very small, modern human being?

The show pits two rival gang of scientists against each other in the race to prove or disprove the existence of Hobbits! First, a bunch of young, hip scientists find Hobbit remains, then, an old stodgy scientist finds evidence that they are idiots. His evidence? Clearly this Hobbit is a pygmy with various genetic disorders seeing as how there are some short people who live in the general vicinity. Then the first group goes back and finds another Hobbit. They were right all along… Hobbits exist!

But this brings up new scientific controversies: was Australopethicus really Dwarves? How does this affect the Lord of the Rings Live Action RPGs currently in progress in our neighbors’ basements? Were Hobbits part of an intelligent design of the universe or some freak mutation in monkey spawn? Or maybe lemurs? Were Hobbits evolved from Lemurs? I think we all know in our hearts that they were.

1. SURVIVOR — the golden child
Nothing has ever come close, nothing ever will. When monkeys started typing ideas for reality TV shows, they wrote Hamlet with this one. Those new to Survivor may be disappointed due to the lack of people winning based on their actual boy scout survivor skills. The truth of the matter is, people need more than fire to survive, they need other people. A lesson the boy scouts would be well off to learn. The only purpose that dropping these people on a deserted island and starving them serves is to heighten the social drama. Survivor is consistent in its quality every season and chooses the best combinations of real people. The variety of contestants is high, yet amazingly, it avoids the Jerry Springeresque quality of the cheap, WB audience shows like Big Brother and Real World.

2. The APPRENTICE — adult edutainment
I have learned more from watching this show than any book or seminar on success could ever teach me. This is reality TV that shows you what would happen if you had to live in a big dorm with your coworkers. You’ve got the work stuff, which teaches you marketing and advertising especially well, and then you’ve got the social stuff, which teaches you that life is not fair, it’s not always the cream that rises to the top.
MARTHA STEWART VERSION - I enjoyed this, too. Mostly, I was distracted by the guy with the unlit cigar.

3. America’s Next TOP MODEL — why are you drooling?
Are you drooling because they’re hot? OR are you drooling because they are stupid? Either way, gather your tissues about your chin and enjoy.

4. SURREAL LIFE — they think I know who they are
These people are great. Sometimes you know who some of them are, but it’s obvious that they all think you know who they are. It’s weird to see not-famous people trying to deal with their fame. This show guarantees a prima donna and a breakdown.

5. FLAVOR FLAV — Flavor Flav!
Flavor Flav brought the Surreal Life to a new level and, rightfully so, got his own spin-off reality show… and then landed a spin-off of the spin-off! Why is he so fascinating?

6. AMERICAN IDOL — family reality
Aside from the constant, incessant airing of this show during the season, it’s not half bad. Thanks to Simon. Without Simon, this show is just too goody-goody for me to stomach. This is the final destination for all the good little christian girls who love horses and jesus and want to sing exactly like Beyonce, only they want to do it for the children.

7. AMERICAN INVENTOR — yes, but what did they invent?
This show was so frustrating! It could have been awesome. We all know that inventors are the rockstars of the future, and this show was ahead of its time. The problem is that the focus was on the American Dream story of each contestant and had absolutely no relation to their invention. Half the time, I couldn’t even tell what the invention was. And where were the competitions? I want MY next American Inventor to be able to invent a better waffle maker ON THE SPOT.

8. So you THINK YOU CAN DANCE? — lyrical jazz? really?
This is a good show to turn to between commercials of some other show you are watching. If you are lucky, you will catch the five minutes when something cool is actually happening - like break dancing. Otherwise, you have to listen to the idiot judges talking out their asses or, wash your eyes with soap, see some poor shmuck have to perform lyrical jazz in front of thousands of embarrassed viewers.

9. OSBOURNES/HOGANS — it’s like the Simpsons world where it rains donuts
It’s almost like a normal family being videotaped… they THINK they are like a normal family being videotaped…

10. REAL WORLD/ROAD RULES — yes, you are real
Boring AND obnoxious! Wow!

BACHELOR, AVERAGE JOE, BEAUTY & THE GEEK — where are they?These were good shows, but they are inconsistent and it is unclear if they will ever come back. Also, there are a lot of rip offs of the Bachelor and Average Joe that suck. Don’t get suckered in.

BIG BROTHER, COYOTE UGLY, DALLAS COWBOYS, NASHVILLE STAR
I’ve seen a couple episodes of a bunch of these and they all suck. Bad monkeys!

Maybe I don’t “read” “books”. Maybe I don’t know how to “read”. But I do know how to “watch” “7th Heaven” instead of “doing” my “homework”. Usually this show isn’t so boring, but the predictable formula is barely worthy of a good drinking game anymore. I used to watch this show with shock and horror, occasionally looking around the room to see if anyone was returning the same look. But there’s never even anyone there! People are privy to the fact that hanging out with Mary on a Monday night means having to endure an hour of the feel good family WB drama, so usually I watch it alone with my little phone clutched in my hands, in case Susan way up in Seattle is going to text me exactly what I’m thinking while she’s watching it all by herself, too. It makes me think of Fievel in that cartoon mouse movie. I’m Fievel and she’s his sister.

But this show has become sooooo boring it doesn’t even offend me anymore. There are only 5 different story lines.

1. Homeless classmates are in trouble.
2. Somebody’s drunk dad turns into a good person after he goes to church.
3. Some mentally challenged middle aged guy needs help convincing his parents that he can handle having his own apartment and promises not to burn anything down.
4. Some slut teenage whore tries to force sex on one of the church kids, but ends up paying for it by a) getting pregnant or b) getting herpes.
5. Someone has a DAD in IRAQ.

I’m sure there are more, and I’m counting on Fievel to contribute some also. I mean his sister! But my point is, if my show is going to suck, it needs to suck HARD. And 7th Heaven just isn’t cutting it anymore.

Also, just in case anyone was really worried that I don’t know how to read, I am currently enjoying ‘Pantone’s Guide to Communicating with Color’. According to them, this color scheme is considered “spicy”.